February 22, 2004

I have always hated you completely (half the time)

The thing that I have a hard time dealing with is when my wife decides to attack me personally. She will curse at me and tell me I'm a horrible person. And when she does, I start to believe it a little bit.

But then, later she will appologize. She'll tell me that she didn't mean anything she said. She'll tell me that she was just trying to hurt me and that she really loves me.

But then even later, she' will tell me that the appology was just a lie. She'll tell me that she made up the appology so that she could use me and that she loathes me. She says things like "the only reason I'm here is for [our daughter]", or "I pray to God every day that I can find somebody better so I can leave you".

The whole thing leaves me very worn out and confused. It leaves me never knowing when I can trust my wife to be telling me the truth. And that makes me feel very alone.

Posted by ehdonhon at 10:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 20, 2004

Credit where credit is due

I do love my wife very much. Sometimes it is easy to loose site of that.

I was asked today if I created this journal as a means to rant about my frustrations. My knee-jerk reaction was "of course not". But as I think about that question more and more, I think maybe the answer is "Yes".

I want people that are in the same spot as me to see that they are not alone. I want people to know that there are times I get so mad with this disease that it takes all my strength to hold things together. And yes, I want to blow off steam.

So, in all of that, I guess I need to be extra careful that I don't give the wrong impression about my wife. I do love her very much. She has a very hard job. She's a full-time mom dealing with a two-year old while she's also dealing with her own issues. That's a job I don't envy.

Posted by ehdonhon at 01:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 18, 2004

Sleep Cycles

I thank god that I work for a company where I have flexable working hours, otherwise I would have been fired a very long time ago...

The problem is that my wife has irregular sleep patterns, and with a 2 year-old daughter, that means that whenver my wife doesn't want to get out of bed (which typically happens 2 or 3 times a week), its my job to take care of my daughter until she does.

A typical day works like this for me:

My daughter wakes me up somewhere between 9:00 and 10:00 in the morning. Next, I take her down and get her breakfast and we watch TV. I play with her and keep her generally entertained until my wife wakes up. That usually happens around 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon.

Then, I have an hour's drive to work. So, I start around 3:00. My typical work day lasts around 9 hours. That means I'm driving home around Midnight. Traffic is light at that time, so it usually only takes me a half-hour to get home.

Whenever I get home, I find my wife engaged in some sort of activity. Usually re-arranging furniture or redecorating some room in the house. My daughter is really full of energy. More than my wife can usually handle. So as soon as I get in the door, I really get it. She wants to know why I'm so late getting home. Then she lets me know how worthless she feels I am, and that I don't do enough.

By 1:00 or so in the morning, she has gone to bed, and it is my job to get my daughter to go to bed. That usually lasts until 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning. It is very hard to get her to go to sleep because by the evening when my daughter takes a nap, my wife is so exausted from dealing with her, that she will usually let her nap for 3 or 4 hours.

Then, finally, I get some time to myself to unwind. I'm usually really tired by 3:00, so I go to sleep and get in my 6 hours of sleep before my daughter wakes me again...

Posted by ehdonhon at 02:01 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 17, 2004

An introduction

My wife is Bi-Polar. And I donít know how to fully express what that disease has done to my family.

At first, I wanted to blame somebody else. When we were dating, I wanted to believe her when she told me that all of her problems were her parents fault. She made me hate them. She told me stories of beatings and strangulations. She told me how she had committed herself. She told me how she was without anybody to love her. I believed her. I believed that once removed from her surroundings it would all of a sudden get better. I thought she would just leave all of the baggage behind.

Next came hard times. We were newlyweds. Money was tight. I felt like I was the only concerned about money. I wanted an equal so desperately, but I felt more like a parent. I convinced myself that this was all because she never had anybody show her trust. That perhaps she just needed to be treated as an equal. Disappointment after disappointment ensued.

Then disappointment turned to betrayal. Her parents were not the bad guys any more. I found myself on the defensive. She would tell anybody that listened that I was the bad guy. I would be trapped in irrational argument after argument trying to defend myself for actions that did not happen. You can only be told you are a bad person so many times before you start believing it.

After several separations and several years of counseling for the abuse I received, it finally hit me like a light switch being turned on. This isnít my fault. It isnít her parents fault. It isnít even her fault. In fact, ďfaultĒ isnít the word. The word is disease. It was time to stop seeking blame and start seeking help.

That road has been slow and rocky. Getting her to accept she has a problem was difficult. Keeping her parents from talking her out of the acceptance has been a bigger problem.

My wife is now getting help and I get by day to day on the dream that she will eventually get better. And I have to admit that a lot of favorable things have happened to lift my spirits in the last year. Despite those positives, there are still disappointments, abandonmentís, and betrayals that leave me wondering why I choose to live this way.

I choose to believe that I am not alone. I choose to believe that there are other husbands and wives in the world right now living with the same feelings of isolation and despair. I love my wife. And I believe with the help of my Lord, Jesus Christ, she will get better.

This web site is about sharing feelings. I want to show that even the strongest of us can not overcome this disease on our own. I also want to show that there is hope. And most of all, it is my dream that I can help to show at least one person somewhere that they are not alone.

Posted by ehdonhon at 12:57 AM | Comments (2)