March 21, 2004

Oh what a weekend.

I've been watching my daughter all weekend. My wife was hardly out of bed.

She was awake perhaps 5 hours on Saturday. Then she was up Sunday morning until about 4:00 am. Then she slept until 4:30 pm. And boy, when she got up, I really wished that she had stayed in bed.

For the first few hours that she was up, we had to go through the standard "I hate you, I'm leaving you, I want a divorce" bit that we go through two or three times a week. This was followed by her asking me to go out and pick up some food for her, which was then followed by a discussion of what kind of house she thinks we should get.

I thought weekends were for resting. I'm exausted.

Posted by ehdonhon at 09:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 18, 2004

The cries of he who tried.

If tears had voice
we would all be deaf

Some by pain,
most by choice.

Oh precious tears,
let me hear your cries again.

Show me that I have not grown deaf,
But if I had, pity me.

For it is not by choice that I ignore you.
It is that I have not ignored your kin.

And now I am left with my own tears.
And in my cold isolation, they freeze to razors.

They cut, they rip, they tear into my soul
leaving me exposed to all the world.

See me world, I too am deaf.
Is there anybody at all that will pity me?

I wrote that poem back in college. It was inspired by a friend of mine that had some depression issues of her own. She was a good friend and lots of people liked her, but she just couldn't believe that.

Instead she started drinking and sleeping with people for the attention. That led her into a downward spiral. She would do things she was ashamed of and then withdraw from everybody because she was ashamed. Then she would get lonely and go out with some guys and drink some more.

I tried very hard to be her friend. I let her know that I cared about her, and that was just more than she could handle. It was almost as if she didn't want anybody to legitimately be her friend. It seems as if she was punishing herself. Eventually she ended up dropping out of school.

Life has a funny way of reminding you of things like these when you least expect them. I guess what made me think of all this is the relation that my wife has with her father. He is normally a very well tempered person. But every once in a while he looses control and becomes abusive. Sometimes I think that everything my wife does every day is motivated completely by her desire to please her parents. It is as if she can not believe in her own worth until her parents tell her it is ok first.

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March 09, 2004

Cleaning house before the maid gets there.

I drove my wife to her psychiatrist appointment today. It is kind of a weird thing because she doesn't want me talking to him. She's afraid I'm going to tell him things that she has done.

My wife is the kind of person that cleans the house before the maid gets there so she isn't embarassed when the maid sees her house. Same goes for counseling and psychiatric appointments. She goes to see the doctor, but then tells him that everything is fine.

I have no idea how it is that he can treat her when he has no idea what is going on. The only thing I know is that the worst thing I could do is go against my wife's wishes and start telling the doctor what is happening. The first time that happens, she'll never go there again. In fact, she will make appointments and intentionally miss them just so the doctor won't want to see her anymore (I am speaking from past experiences).

Posted by ehdonhon at 09:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 07, 2004

Roller coaster weekend.

Thursday: "I hate you. I want a divorce"

Friday: "We should find a bigger house"

Saturday: "When do you want to have another baby?"

Sunday: "Leave me alone, I just want to sleep"

Posted by ehdonhon at 11:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 01, 2004

Playing the "polite game"

I'm always walking on egg shells around my wife's family. There is a stormy sea of emotions and mis-trust that has been created there over the years. They blame me for everything that is going on with my wife, but never come out and say it. Meanwhile, I don't blame them, but I do believe that things wouldn't have to be as bad as they are now if they had done things differently.

I think a lot of the problems come from my wife's inability to find contentment in her life. She's always upset with something that is happening, and she's always trying to find some external reason for that. She will rationalize that if she could just buy this one thing that she has her heart set on, things will be better. Or, if she could just have an opportunity to do something, or if we had a nicer house, or nicer car, etc... But meanwhile, none of that ever happens and its all somebody's fault.

That is where the real problem comes: she starts convincing herself that either her parents or I are to blame for her misery in life. Then she will come to me and tell me how horrible they have been to her. Or, she will go to them and do the same. The result is a lot of mis-trust that has built up over a long time.

My wife tells me that her parents physically abused her when she was young. And I believe her, but the thing I don't know is to what extent that abuse went. How much of what she is telling me is truth, and how much is just made up in her pursuit of pity?

I'm no angel either. I married my wife way to young. I was still in college, and needed to learn a lot about life (I still do). I expected more than I put into the relationship when we were first married. By the time I had realized that and started to reverse the problem, it was too late. But I wonder just how much extra got put into all the stories that my wife would use when talking to her parents.

So, now whenever I'm around her parents, we play the polite game. I'm polite with them, and they are polite with me. But in reality, neither really trusts the other.

Posted by ehdonhon at 09:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack