May 24, 2004

Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?

I'm the one that takes care of our daughter while you are busy giving up on life.

I'm the one that still has to make the mortgage payment after you have stolen the checkbook and gone on a shopping spree.

I'm the one you cling to when you're sad. And the one that you beat on when you're mad.

I'm the one that looks the other way when I know you are lying to me.

I'm the one that walks the thin line every day between giving the family enough attention for the both of us, and keeping my job.

I'm the one that isn't allowed to give up, even for a second.

I'm the one that has to let you yell at me, even when I know you've lost your reality for the moment.

I'm the one that has to invent new ways to convince you to get out of bed every single morning.

I'm the one that has to watch you day after day in all of your pain and know that there is nothing I can do to fix that.

I'm the one that will some day have to explain to our daughter why her mommy is always so angry.

I'm the one that lives every day in fear of what might happen next.

That, my dear, is who the hell I am. I'm neither proud, ashamed, or filled with self-pity. It's just who I am. Maybe you don't like it when I stop you from doing the things that you can not see are destructive. But that's really just the way it is.

Posted by ehdonhon at 12:46 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 15, 2004

You never do anything.

I guess I just don't have very thick skin. Because every time I hear those words, it just gets me so frustrated. I know she's hurting. I know she can't reciprocate my love. But why, oh why does she insist on flinging hurt on the people that try to help her?

Taking care of my wife is like trying to free a wounded animal from a trap. The closer you get, the more she wants to bite. All she knows is that she's hurt, nothing else matters. Not even the fact that people want to help her.

Posted by ehdonhon at 12:50 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 04, 2004

Plastic surgery

My wife left me a three-page hand-written letter on my desk when I got home from work explaining to me how I don't understand here and I'm just being mean to her when I tell her that we don't have $10,000 for plastic surgery.

I am so tired of being percieved at the ogre. She keeps telling me the same thing over and over again as if I don't get what she's saying. I keep trying to tell her that we just can't afford it, but she doesn't hear that. Instead she hears that I don't care.

My wife is a very beautiful person, she just doesn't see it. I've watched her for the past 5 years try thing after thing in pursuit of happiness, but she never gets it. She's always waiting for something else to make her happy. She consistently believes that there is some magic out there that will just wisk her away to happiness. And she blames me that her magic prince charming hasn't arrived yet.

I don't have $10,000 to pay for plastic surgery. To tell the truth, I have so much debt, I doubt we could even get it financed. If I did have $10,000 it would be criminal to flush it down the toilet on what I know would have no impact on my wife's happiness at all.

But she doesn't see it that way. She has talked herself into believing that this will make everything better. If only she looks a little prettier, then her entire outlook on life will improve. She thinks that if she changes the outside, then all of the inside doesn't matter. And every time she tries to make me agree with her, she hates me when I tell her that I can not. And every time I try to tell her she's beautiful, she tells me that I'm not listening to her. And every time I try to tell her that I'm listening, she tells me I'm a liar.

Like I said, I'm just so tired of being the ogre.

Posted by ehdonhon at 02:34 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack