June 20, 2004

Bad dreams.

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately regarding my family. Most of my dreams have to do with when my daughter is older. In the dream I had last night, my wife was telling my daughter things about me that were just not true.

Next in my dream, my wife started yelling at me, and I started yelling back. And somehow some of my friends were there. My friends became upset that I was yelling at my wife, and called a social worker, who came and removed me from my house.

And now that I think about it, I realize that I've been living my life like a trapped little animal. Everything I do, I'm constantly afraid that there's going to be some outsider that doesn't know me or my wife that will be take my wife's side, just because my wife is just so darn good at pretending to be a victim.

I am so afraid that there will come a day when I may loose my daughter. I'm afraid that my daughter is going to get sucked up into my wife's way of life and only see things in the tainted way that my wife see's them. I'm afraid my wife is going to teach my duaghter to hate me. I'm also afraid that one of these days my wife is going to play the victim, or be able to push my buttons just right so that I explode in front of the right person and the only involvement I'll ever have in my daughter's life again will be child support.

I hate the fact that as a husband of a bipolar with a child, I have to walk on egg shells while being hit with rocks. By that, I mean that all I have to do to loose everything is become angry and explode just once. Meanwhile my wife can abuse both my daughter and I every single day, and there isn't a single darn person that cares.

Posted by ehdonhon at 09:55 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 14, 2004

Happy birthday to me.

Today is my birthday. It is a sobering day for me, and not because it means I am getting older.

Whenever my wife has a birthday, or we have an anniversary, I try very hard to make her feel special. I try to make it be her day. I want her to enjoy herself. Today is my birthday, and I guess I just wish she would try to do a little bit of that for me. It would be nice if she would have done something for me today, or at least have gotten me a birthday present. And I don't even mean something that she has to buy in a store. I would have been happy with a letter from her saying "Happy birthday", or maybe even a back rub, or anything that indicates that she spent at least a half a second thinking about making some kind of sacrifice of herself to make me happy.

Instead, she insisted on spending the morning trying to get in arguments with me. Then she started telling me things that she wanted me to buy for her. It is my birtday and she is presently trying to make me feel guilty because I'm not buying her things that she wants. In her mind, this all makes perfect sense.

Today is definately a sobering day for me. It is a reminder to me that there is just simply no way that my wife is ever going to be available to me as an emotional support system for anything. She just doesn't have it in her, and I need to learn to stop hoping that it is going to somehow show up, because the only thing that I will ever get is disappointment.

Posted by ehdonhon at 11:24 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 13, 2004

Last minute changes.

My wife and I have been planning a trip for several months now. The company that I work for is sending me out of town for a few days and my wife was going to come with me. My daughter was goning to stay with her grandparents and it was going to be a weekend just for the two of us.

I was really looking forward to this trip. I was so excited about the opportunity to spend some real time with my wife without there being thousands of things getting in the way. I really believed that this was going to be a wonderful thing. Until a few hours ago when my wife dropped the bomb.

My wife just let me know if we can't take our daughter, then she isn't coming either. I can't take my daughter, because I know I can not rely on my wife to get out of bed and watch her in the morning. And if my wife doesn't get out of bed, that means I can't go anywhere. There's no way I can allow that to happen while my employer is paying me to be there on business. Of course, I can't tell my wife that because it only leads to a massive denial of the problem.

When I refused to agree to take our daughter, my wife had a massive fit. My wife is mad at me because she tried to make a massive change in the plans at the very last minute and I would not go along with it.

I wonder if maybe she calculated that. I wonder if maybe a part of her knew that there was no way I could handle taking both of them on a trip, and so she used that because she didn't want to go. By using our daughter, she is able to cloud the issue and somehow justify in her mind that this is all my fault.

Posted by ehdonhon at 04:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 08, 2004

Bipolarism and alcoholism

Here is an email that I got from a person the other day. I wrote a rather
lengthy response, and decided to share it since somebody else might benefit
from it as well....

> I have a friend who is Bi Polar. She says it is the same as Manic
> Depresion. Is this true? She is non-violent, yet an alcoholic and is not
> taking meds for it. She uses alcohol to stabalise herself. Please help
> me to understand more about bi-polarism.
> I am not an alcoholic and have concerns for my dear friend. Thankyou!

Hello,

First let me start out by telling you that I'm not a medical
professional. My only experience with bipolarism is through my wife.
Everything that I'm about to tell you is based only on my own
experience, opinions, and the reading I have done on my own on the
subject.

Another thing that I want to tell you is that this isn't a
one-size-fits-all type of disease. It affects everybody differently.
One person may act a certain way while another may act completely
different. And it isn't a disease where you either have it or you
don't, some people are affected to very minor levels while others have
it to a much greater extent.

Manic Depression and Bi-Polarism are both the exact same thing. Bipolar
is just a word that somebody came up with becase Manic Depressive
sounded too harsh.

Manic Depression is a disease in which a person is flipping back and
forth between two different conditions: Mania and Depression.

When a person is Manic, it is as if they are on a high. They feel like
they are a superhero. They are on top of the world. In the case of my
wife, she often tries to undertake different projects around the house.
For example, she once stayed up all night and painted as much of the
house as she could before she passed out with exaustion.

When a person is depressed, they are the exact opposite. Usually for my
wife, she refuses to get out of bed or keep up with any of her day to
day responsibilities.

That's why they call it bi-polar. Because the person switches back and
forth between the two extremes: mania and depression.

I don't know how many people with bipolarism become violent. I think
that paranoia is more common than violence. Like I said, when my wife
goes into her depression, she usually withdraws completely. The only
times she has ever been violent towards me is when I tried to get her to
get out of bed when she didn't want to. She has, however, been violent
towards herself a number of times.

I disagree with your friend's decision to use alcohol as a stabalizer
for bipolarism. People with bipolar disorder already are suffering
from being out of control. Flipping from one extreme to the other.
Its no fun being in that kind of out of control situation. Alchohol may
help to temporarily remove the pain and frustration, but its really only
replacing one kind of out of control situation with another.

Bipolarism is a disease. It isn't a choice. Your friend doesn't get up
in the morning and think to herself "Today I'm going to be happy".
There are chemicals in her brain that dictate that to her. She has no
control over how she is going to to feel. The best she can do is decide
how she is going to cope. And please believe me when I say that unless
you have been through it yourself, there is no way to understand how
difficult, and sometimes impossible it is to cope with these feelings.

Telling a bipolar things like "You need to cheer up" are just not
sensitive to their condition. They already know they need to cheer up.
Their body just isn't going to allow that. And never use their disease
as a weapon against them. Whenever my wife gets upset and starts
yelling at her familiy, they have a habit of saying things like "Ohh..
it looks like we're having one of our bipolar days". That is extremely
hurtful. It is an underhanded cut that allows her family to cope with
the pain my wife is handing out, but then the hurt my wife gets from it
lasts much much longer.

The best thing you can do is be a friend. Be the shoulder to cry on.
And even though it hurts, try to be understanding towards her even when
she isn't so understanding towards you. Once she knows that you will be
a good ("safe") friend both in good times and bad, maybe she will open
up to you even more. But you also need to keep an eye on your friend
and be ready to call in outside help even if your friend doesn't want it
if she is causing damage to herself or others. If she is an alcoholic
as you say, then perhaps she is already at that point.

Please keep in touch, and if things get tough and you just need somebody
who's been in the same situation, feel free to send me an email. I
promise I'll read it.

Regards,
-Dan

Posted by ehdonhon at 02:56 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack