November 26, 2004

I got caught in the trap.

Last weekend was great for my wife and I. She was in between her up and down stages, and she was just happy to be normal for a bit. You could really tell that she was happy. I was happy too, because for a brief moment in time, I had my wife back.

I even took off every day of work this week, mainly because I just wanted to be with her. We talked a lot, and had a good time. We both opened up to each other about a few things, and during that time we were very intimate in a non-sexual way. It felt so wonderful to have my wife back, I actually go a little bit used to it again. I didn't even mind when she asked me to help her paint the bathroom, again.

But, as sure as the seasons change, it couldn't last forever. Yesterday, I was still in intimate mode, but I knew my wife was getting irritated. After Thanksgiving was over, she went off to bed for a while. Any time I came near her, she got aggrivated. Any time I tried to hug or kiss her, she would get angry. Whenever I was talking to her, it was obvious that she just wouldn't pay attention. And it was clear that she had no interest in sharing her true feelings. Any time I tried to get her to tell me what she was feeling, she would avoid the question, or give me some short answer designed to get me to shut up.

I thought that maybe I was just being a little too pushy. After all, it had been so long since I had a real wife to talk to, maybe I was just being a little too clingy. So, I decided to give her some space, and maybe she would be better today. I was so in love with the idea of having my wife back, I missed all of the signs.

Well.. today it became very obvious that my wife is back in full tilt manic mode. She woke up this afternoon around 3:00. When she came down, I gave her a hug, and for a moment it seemed like things were better. But then every time I started talking to her, she would cut me off by changing the subject quickly and then leave the room without allowing me to talk. The time for intimacy was over. She had switched out of that mode already. After opening myself up as much as I did, it hurt a lot to be so vulnerable and to have her ignore me.

She's running around the house now trying to get all sorts of things done, and just ignoring me and my daughter. She has blown her top quite a few times already whenever my daughter tried to "help" her. The only time she even wants me in the room is when she wants something from me. She's mad at me now, because I'm feeling hurt right now and don't really want to be around her. She doesn't see why. I'd love to be able to explain it to her. How do you tell somebody that you are feeling hurt when the reason is because that person does not care about your feelings?

I tried my best to help her with what she was doing today anyway. I can't just switch modes as fast as she can. It is going to take a while for me to heal and go back to defensive mode.

Sometimes I wish that I could be bi-polar also, so that it would be ok for me to just not care about anybody else. Sometimes I wish that I could be sick and have somebody that I could ignore while they look out for me.

I miss my wife.

Posted by ehdonhon at 05:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 21, 2004

I want the doggie movie.

The credit card bill came today. I'm nearing the point that I've been anticipating for over 5 years now. We have now come to the point where we are spending money so much faster than I can pay it off that the credit card is nearly maxed out.

I've been protesting my wife's spending for years now, and I've been told I'm an asshole more times than I can count. I've told her over and over that we can't just keep putting stuff "on the card" whenever we don't have enough cash. She never cared about that, she only cared about getting what she wanted.

Well, now we are at the point where the credit card will take no more. My wife wanted to go to Wal-Mart tonight to get some dog food. We had just a few dollars in cash with us, just enough to get the dog food. After ariving at the store, my wife immediately went into shopping mode.

I protested. I told her we did not have enough money to get anything other than the dog food. She started making fun of me because she was looking at some chap stick at the time. "Its only 99 cents, it isn't like it is ten dollars or anything" is what she told me.

My wife went to get the dog food (or so I thought). I went back to the electronics department because to look at a soundtrack CD. I had no intention of buying it, I just wanted to see who sung a song on a movie we had just seen. But, when I turned around, there was my wife and daughter trailing along behind me.

Apparently, my entering the electronics department was the queue that my wife needed that it was ok to buy some movies. So, she started looking around at movies. I pleaded with her that we needed to leave, but she kept on looking around at her own slow pace. Eventually, she put a movie in the cart. And following along with her mother's example, my three-year old daughter also selected a movie and put it in the cart.

We got to the front of the store and it was time to check out. I counted up the total of everything in the cart. It was thirty dollars. I told my wife that we just didn't have that much money. She tried to ignore me the first couple of times, as if pretending she didn't hear me would somehow magically fix everything.

Finally, she understood that there was no way they were going to let us leave with everything in the cart. Her next step was to try to reason with our three year old. My wife tried to ask our daughter if it was ok to take out the movie that my daughter had selected so that we could get the one my wife had selected. My daughter threw a fit. She wanted her "doggie movie".

Well, now my wife was angry with me. She removed both movies from the cart when my daughter wasn't looking at said "lets go". My wife was angry that there was no way that she could get the movie she wanted. We purchased the dog food and chap stick, and then went home. I think this is perhaps the smallest amount my wife has spent in Wal-Mart, ever.

Once we got home, my daughter started saying that she wanted to watch her doggie movie. It was at that point that my wife and I had to explain to my daughter that we did not get the doggie movie because we didn't have enough money. I think that will probably be one of the worst moments of my life... having to explain to my three year old that we didn't have any money. I felt guilty at first. I was upset that I had let my family down. Then I felt angry. I was angry that my wife had let me down. All those years of protesting her spending habits did nothing but increase my stress levels. In the end, we ended up exactly where I saw us heading, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

What happened next, wasn't much better. My daughter started throwing a major fit. She started screaming "I want the doggie movie" over and over again for at least 25 minutes. I realized that my daughter is becoming my wife. She doesn't understand "we can't". She doesn't know what it means to want something and not be able to have it. If she can't have something that she wants then her reaction is to get mad because somebody is trying to stop her from being happy, and if she screams long enoug she eventually get what she wants.

I hate that my daughter is learning to be just like my wife. I hate that I'm the only one that cares about all these bills. I hate that I'm the only person in this house that understands why it is important to exercise self-discipline. I'm not mad at my wife, and I'm certainly not mad at my daughter.. I'm just mad at the situation.. I'm tired of being alone.

Posted by ehdonhon at 01:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 12, 2004

Trying to try

My wife told me a week or two ago that she has decided that she was going to "try to try to make things work" with us. I asked her "Why don't you actually try?". The thing about trying to try to do anything is that you can sit back and make no efort whatsoever and still succeed in trying to try.

In other words, she wants to pretend that things are not her fault because she's trying to try, but she isn't really going to make any serious effort.

A few nights ago, I was talking to my wife about how much I wished we could be a normal family. She told me I knew the reason that would never happen. She told me it was because she had absolutely no interest in being anywhere near me. I asked her "What happened to trying to try?". Her response was that she's decided not to leave me, because maybe if she hangs around here long enough something is going to happen and she might start liking me again. But in the mean-time, she wants nothing to do with me.

My wife is essentially waiting for some magic fairy to come down and fix all of her problems. She doesn't accept that relationships take work from both sides, and she isn't willing to make any effort on her part to make things work. So, she's going to just continue to live in the same house as me, while continuing to avoid spending any time with me whatsoever untill all of a sudden our marriage is fixed.

Posted by ehdonhon at 12:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 02, 2004

I don't love you, I'm not in love with you.

I asked my wife to talk to me tonight about what is going on with her. She said she was doing some thinking (about leaving me). I asked her if she had come to any conclusions, she said that she had but she didn't want to talk about it. Next, she asked me to pick up a prescription for her at the grocery store tomorrow. I was upset with her.

I wasn't upset about getting medicine that she needs. I was upset at the way she just expects that I'll wait on her forever while she decides what she's doing. My response to her was "you don't get it do you?". I just want her to stop hurting me this way. Every time she plays this game where she hints that she's thinking about leaving me, it just kills me inside. I am so totally afraid of loosing my daughter again that all she has to do is tell me that she isn't happy, and I usually do whatever she wants. I think that on some sub-concious level, she understands that.

But instead of talking to me, her response was to tell me that "this exactly why [she] doesn't talk to [me]". She claims that she doesn't talk to me because she's afraid that I'll stop buying her the medicine that she needs.

So, I made several attempts to explain that she was wrong, but every time I tried, she would cut me off and twist the subject. There was no way she was going to let me express anything at all.

At one point, she told me that if I didn't like things, that she would just take my daughter away from me and move back to her parents. I told her that I wouldn't let her take my daughter away from me and her response was "Don't threaten me". I just don't get how that was me threatening her. It seems to me that the situation was the other way around.

This isn't the first time this situation came up. We went through a similar thing a month or two ago. It ended when she decided that she wanted to kill herself. I ended up spending two or three hours talking her down. She insisted that I didn't call the doctor, and I respected her wishes. But now, I kind of wish I had gone with my gut instinct. I guess my big fear is that she's so good at acting like nothing is wrong when she has to, that she would use it against me if I tried to get her the help she needs.

The last thing I said to her tonight was "You know, I don't want you to go. I'd much rather you stay and actually try to fix thing. But every time to promise to try, you never do." Her response was "Well, that's because I don't love you, I'm not in love with you".

I really don't know how long I can keep being caring and supportive for somebody that treats me like this. Sometimes I honestly wish she would just run away from home and leave me and my daughter alone. That way my daughter and I could start to get better and it wouldn't be my fault for abandoning my wife.

Posted by ehdonhon at 12:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 01, 2004

Phone Calls

One of the things that I hate the most is the ability that my wife had to get me all worked up over something. I especially hate it when she does this while I'm at work.

Today has been such a day. Today my wife called me at work to ask me to help her set up an E-Mail address for her so that she could go on some chat rooms and try to find a new man.

We had a weekend that was realatively uneventful. My wife was really nice to me this afternoon when she got out of bed. But today, she called me while I was at work to tell me that she wants my assistance in finding somebody better so she can leave me.

I asked her what prompted this, and she explained that nothing prompted it at all. She just has not decided yet if she wants to stay with me or leave. Apparently my role in all of this is to wait patiently and continue to pretend as if she just isn't completely using me with the intention of dumping me the moment she finds something better.

She expects me to play the role of a loving husband. She also gets very angry with me whenever I suggest that she should be nicer to me. She always tells me something like "You know I don't love you, I've been telling you that for years", or "Well.. I haven't made up my mind if I want to stay or if I want to go yet". It make me so angry that she sees nothing wrong with the way she is acting and, in fact, views me as the monster. It make me even more angry that I have to sit quietly and just continue to take whatever she dishes out for the the sake of my daughter.

Yes, she now has me totally worked up. And since she didn't get out of bed until 2:00 P.M., I will be at work until at least midnight. So, I'll have all night to think about it. Just about the moment that I manage to put it out of my mind and get back to focusing on my work is probably when she will call me with something else to set me off.

Posted by ehdonhon at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack