March 30, 2005

If you can't beat 'em...

Some times, I just get to the point where I ask myself why it is that I should discipline myself, and control my spending? Meanwhile, my wife spends constantly, without any concern about our future.

Sometimes, it seems like every penny I pinch, just gets spent anyway. So, I get to a point where I give up. I decide that if my wife is going to spend hundreds on everything she wants, why shouldn't I beat her to the punch? Why shouldn't I be out there trying to be the first one to max out the credit limit? I mean, if we're going to spend the rest of our lives in debt, I might as well have a few things that I like also, right?

So, sometimes, I just take a few liberties. I buy something here and there. I go ahead and charge something. Then I'll decide to get a few more things.

I've been pretty loose with my spending lately. I've even been going out and buying stuff for my wife. She's been in her redecorating moods, and wanted to get a lot stuff to re-do the house. So, I went out and bought it for her. I guess I just wanted her to be happy with me for a little bit. I actually spent hundreds of dollars in one weekend for the chance that she might be nice to me for a little bit.

So, I've been buying things for her, and buying things for me. But unlike her, I know this isn't going to last forever. I know there is a point where this has to end. And, I know that when that time comes, my wife just isn't going to understand.

I feel so alone.

Posted by ehdonhon at 04:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 25, 2005

The only time it feels better...

My mother used to have a saying that she would use often: "The thing about banging your head against the wall is that it only feels better is when you stop". When it comes to my wife, why do I keep banging my head against the wall?

I've been making many attempts to talk to my wife in the past few days about my feelings. But, it feels just like banging my head against the wall. I can bang away all day, but nothing changes. No matter how many times I try to get across to her how I feel, she just changes the subject into talking about something that she wants.

I've been trying to tell her how lonely I am. I've been trying to tell her how desperate I am to have her back. If I could only have my companion back, maybe I could shake this feeling. But its no use. She has a medical condition, and you can't make a medical condition go away by talking to it.

Last night, I talked to her for about an hour. In that talk, I must have said at least two dozen times "I just want some indication that every now and then you are thinking about me". But she just went on and on about how she wanted to re-decorate the bedrooms.

By the end of the conversation, I was so frustrated. I asked her "Why can't you just for once think about what I want?" She answered, "You haven't told me what you want". I told her, "I've told you over and over and over for the past hour what I want". She just didn't hear me at all. She is so immune to caring about anybody other than herself that she blocked out every word that I said.

Eventually, I just went in another room to be by myself and cry.

A while later she came in to tell me to get dressed because she wanted to go shopping.

Posted by ehdonhon at 03:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 05, 2005

Church

For years, I've been trying to get my wife to agree to start going back to church. We used to go every week, but then she stopped wanting to go. Worse yet, she didn't want me to go either. Every time I went to church by myself, things would not be right between us for several days.

So, I've just been gently trying to encourage my wife to go back to church with me. Its a balance between encouragement and not pushing too hard.

Last week, I was shocked when she suggested on her own that we go to church together. I was really really happy. We made plans on Saturday night to go to church the next day. But then, things didn't work out.

When Sunday came, my wife just would not get out of bed. She said she was tired and that she wanted to sleep. I tried everything I could to get her up, but nothing worked. I was frustrated, but I kept my cool. I figured I'd try again this week.

So today, I had big plans that I was going to present to my wife. We'd start with Church, then go out to eat, and then go to a nearby science museum that I thought my daughter might like. I started to tell my wife that I had an idea for tomorrow, but she cut me off.

Apparently she has made plans to go to church tomorrow with one of my daughter's preschool teachers, and I am not welcome. After years of me trying to get her to church, she's going. But I'm not welcome. That really makes me feel hurt.

Part of me wonders if she's trying to put on a show for my daughter's teacher. Just a couple weeks ago, my wife re-scheduled a parent/teacher conference twice so that I would not be able to make it. And now, this. My wife is very good at convincing people that she is a victim, and I wonder if maybe my wife might be trying to paint me as the guy that is never around.

Well.. at least she's going to church. That is positive. I guess I'll just need to trust in God to make things right. I only wish I could also trust in my wife.

Posted by ehdonhon at 06:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 04, 2005

Mindsets

The other day, we ordered pizza at my house. When the delivery guy came, I went up to my room and brought my wallet downstairs to pay for the pizza. Instead of taking the wallet back upstairs right away, I left it sitting on the table.

The next, day, after I had filled my car with gas, I looked in my wallet to discover that my wife had taken all of the money out of my wallet. Fortunately, I had a credit card or else I would not have been able to pay for the gas.

I was telling the story to a friend the other day, and he told me he was sorry to hear about it. I told him "no, its completely my fault for leaving the money where she could see it". His comment to me was that it sucks that I have to have that mindset.

He's right. It sucks that I have reduced myself to the point where I actually believe that it is my fault when my wife blows all of our money. It sucks that she has sucked me so far into her reality that any kind of failure in this family is 100% my fault.

When I married my wife, I thought I was getting a companion. Instead, I got a leech. She consumes the fruits of anything positive I ever achieve, but never contributes anything back.

Posted by ehdonhon at 11:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 03, 2005

Loving Somebody With Bipolar Disorder.

I've started to read Loving Somone With Bipolar Disorder. It seems like an interesting book. Its written by Julie A. Fast, a person with a history of bipolar disorder, and it is written for partners of people that are bipolar.

I'm only up to chapter three so far. But I'm enjoying the book. It doesn't try to paint bipolar disorder as something that can be easily overcome, and it doesn't lump everybody with bipolar disorder into the same pot. I really like that the author understands that everybody is different, even people with bipolar disorder.

Here is a synopsis of what I've read so far:

Chapter 1: Getting Started
The first chapter sets you up for the rest of the book. It deals with taking a self-assessment (How committed are you really to helping your spouse through this?). It also explains how to use the book in different ways depending on whether your spouse is interested in getting better or not. Finally it talks about keeping a journal.

Chapter 2: Treat Bipolar Disorder First
The second chapter talks about, among other thigns, not making the classic mistake of communicating with your spouse's bipolar disorder instead of communicating with your spouse. That's a hard thing to remember. I think I'm going to have to read that chapter a few more times.

Chapter 3: Multipolar Disorder
Like I said, the author does a good job of not lumping everybody with bipolar disorder together. In chapter three, she discusses the different types of bipolar disorder and the broad spectrum of symptoms. I really enjoyed the way the author uses quotes from people with bipolar disorder in this section to give insight as to what these symptoms are like for the people that are going through them.

I'll continue my review as I get through more chapters in the book. So far, it seems pretty good.

Posted by ehdonhon at 12:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack