April 19, 2005

I don't love you.

I had a really good weekend with my wife. We went out and had a good time. We also did a lot of work around the house, and we were both in a generally good mood. I went to work on Monday thinking everything was fine, but when I got home, something had changed.

My wife was really really grumpy and she wouldn't talk to me. Eventually I got her to tell me what was the matter. She told me that she's been having a recurring dream where she is having sex with a really good looking man. When she wakes up she realizes she isn't happy with me any more, because she wants to be with somebody that is more attractive. She actually told me that she wouldn't mind living with me as long as she could have sex with other men.

Normally when my wife says something that is hurtful, I try to ignore it because I know it's just her trying to dish out hurt to compensate for her own pain. But hearing my wife tell me that I am ugly and that she wants to sleep with other men is something that I just don't know how to deal with.

After she said that to me, I left her alone for the rest of the night. I just didn't know what to say.

Posted by ehdonhon at 09:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 14, 2005

Mommy, Save me.

Tonight, my daughter was wound up with energy and was running around the living room hitting things with a plastic hammer. The things she was hitting included furniture, pets, and her parents. My wife warned her several times to stop. And when my daughter did not stop, my wife wanted me to step in and put her into timeout. I did as I was asked.

My daughter has no respect for timeout, and will immediately jump up from wherever she has been put and will run around. She thinks timeout is a game where she gets to be chased by her parents. So, I put her down and very forcefully told her not to move.

My daughter started screaming "Mommy, Save me". To which my wife responded by talking to her and negotiating a compromise with our three year old. It was rediculous.

It underlined a few things though. First, my wife has swept me into playing the role of the nasty guy that always picks on our daughter. Meanwhile, this allows my wife to adopt the role of the person that rushes in to save her. It is a vicous triangle of Abuser-Victim-Rescuer. From what I have heard, it is common for people in a situation like my wife's to try to relate to all people this way.

Second, it made me realize exactly how afraid my wife is that our daughter might actually stop loving her at some point. I realized that there is absolutely no way that my wife is ever going to stand firm with our daughter because she is afraid of loosing her love. My wife thinks that all is good if her daughter loves her. But in reality, my wife is damaging my daughter in ways that my wife just does not understand.

As for me.. it makes me want to throw up my hands and walk away. It makes me want to say "Don't ask me to discipline her.. I'm tired of having my legs cut out from underneath me." In fact, I have said that at times before, but unfortunately my wife just doesn't have the mental capacity to see thinks from my point of view. She only sees things from her perspective, where it just looks like I'm shirking my role as a parent.

Posted by ehdonhon at 10:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 08, 2005

Changing stories.

The other day, my wife came to talk to me. She was slightly upset. She started telling me about some stuff she had done after loosing her temper. She told me that she was so angry that she could not control herself even though she knew what she was doing was wrong. She told me that she was afraid and wanted me to tell her what to do.

I didn't know what to tell her. My initial thought was that she needed to be in a hospital, or at least away from my daughter and I. But I didn't know how to tell her that. I told her that I thought she should tell her doctor what happened.

But, 24 hours later, the story started to change.

By the next day, my wife had come to her senses a little bit more and realized that if she tells me what goes on around the house when I'm not around, I might try to do something about it, especially when my daughter is in danger. I guess that makes her feel insecure. I suppose she is afraid of all of the number of ways that she might loose control of the situation if people ever found out more than just her version of what goes on around here.

I told her that I was very concerned about what she had told me the previous night. She immediately insisted that she had said something completely different from what I had heard the night before. She called me a liar and a lot of other nasty words.

Next she tried to shift the focus away from her and on to me. She brought up every single piece of dirt from my past. She made it really clear that if I tried to tell anybody anything that she had told me, that she would tell everybody everything she knew about me as well. I told her "that isn't going to work." I let her know that I would much rather have everybody know everything about me than to allow my daughter to be in danger.

But now, I've been unable to get to sleep because I know all of the harm that she can do to me. And I realize now that she uses that potential harm as a way of forcing me into playing her games by her rules. She has built herself her own little reality, and she know exactly how to force me into being a part of it.

The one thing that I know is that as long as she is looking for ways to blackmail me into her reality, and as long as she is so fearful of people knowing what is going on, then she isn't really trying to get better. Then again, why should she? She thinks she is getting everything she wants. She doesn't have it in her to care about the damage she is causing because she just doesn't understand that she is hurting herself when she hurts other people around her.

I really have no idea how this is going to end, but I'm beginning to think the next thing I should do is lay out all of my cards on the table. I'm beginning to think that as long as she has something to hold over me, I'm never going to be in a position to help her get better. But, this is a big step and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for it.

Posted by ehdonhon at 03:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack