May 30, 2005

How I spent Memorial Day

My daughter woke me up around 8:00 in the morning. My wife and I had promised her that we would take her to an amusement park today. She was very excited about going on the pony rides.

I tried to wake my wife up, but she was very irritable and told me she would get up when she was ready.

I took my daughter downstairs, made her breakfast, and started cleaning up the house.

About every two hours or so, I would go upstairs and try to get my wife out of bed. She would yell at me and then turn over and go back to sleep. Around 3:00 when I woke her up, she had mentioned that we should cook hamburgers and hot dogs and that she would "be right down". So I went downstairs, and started to thaw the meat and clean off the grill.

My wife finally got up around 6:00 in the evening. It was way to late to go to the amusement park. Fortunately, my daughter had forgotten about it, or else she would have been really upset.

My wife came downstairs and was really grumpy. She walked into the kitchen and I tried to give her a hug. She yelled at me "Just go away. You make my skin crawl". Then she started to make a salad. I went upstairs and left her alone for the rest of the night.

I really hate holidays. I'd much rather be at work.

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May 27, 2005

The confrontation.

I was doing my bills today, and I came across the two credit card bills I had been waiting for... the bills for the cards that my wife had opened on her own and was spending from like crazy.

When my wife first got the credit cards, she told me that I wouldn't have to worry about them because she was going to get a job to pay the bills. I was dubious at the time, but I left her alone. She started spending money, but she never started looking for a job. She always had an excuse for why the time wasn't right.

For the past month, I've been reminding her that when those bills came, I would not pay them. I kept asking her how she was going to pay for them. At first, the answer was "I'm going to get a job". Later the answer became "well, I haven't gotten a job, so I guess you will have to pay them." When I started getting that answer, I made it clear very quickly that wasn't going to happen. Eventually, whenever I would ask her how she was going to pay, she just ignored me or started talking about something, or came up with my favorite answer: "I don't know".

I say that's my favorite answer, because it just underlines my frustrations with her. She has no idea how she's going to get out of the mess she has created, but she just keeps pushing herself deeper. It makes me so angry inside becuase I know she's just waiting for me to get to the point where I can't take it any more and just jump in and try to make things better.

That's the kind of person I am. I hate owing anybody money. I hate seeing my wife in trouble. And any time I see something going wrong, I just have to fix it. I seem to always want to be the fixer any time something is broken. And it just burns me up that my wife knows me well enough to exploit the kind of person I am.

As I said, the bills finally came today. So, I shocked the heck out of my wife by presenting the bills to her. She acted all surprised with a "what are these??" question. I told her "these are your bills". Her response "what am I supposed to do with them?". I told her "pay them". Then she asked "well, are you going to give me money so I can pay them?" I told her "No. You were going to get a job so I wouldn't have to worry about them, remember".

She started getting angry with me. She told me there was no way that she could pay them. She told me that I would HAVE to pay them.

Next, she tried to argue that most of the money she spent was on groceries. It was a silly argument, because she had over $2,000 of new charges on those cards. There's no way she spent even half of that on groceries. I ignored that point and instead decided to point out that every time I get paid, I gave her cash to get groceries and instead of buying food with that money, she bought other things instead. Then, when the food in the house finally ran out, she and my daughter lived off of fast food for several days before she finally went to the store and purchased food using her credit card.

No doubt she will soon start telling me how I'm using money to "control" her or that I am an "abusive husband". Or she will start telling me how it is her money too and she wants equal access to all of the bank accounts. I know this because it has all happened before.

The bottom line is she is angry with me. It makes me so mad inside that she blames me for this. It frustrates me to the end of the earth that she has made really really stupid financial decisions and doesn't know it. Every step of the way, I have been told to "shut up" or that she just doesn't care whenever I've tried to tell her not to spend the money. But she just spends and spends and spends. And then in the end, she has no self-guilt over the situation that she placed herself in. In her mind, the entire problem right now is that I am being a bad husband and refusing to pay her bills.

When I leave for work today, the only person to give me a hug and a kiss and say that they love me will be my daughter. My wife will want nothing to do with me. She will treat me like I've done something wrong this entire weekend (our wedding anniversary weekend). She will most likely talk to me about divorce at some point. She will probably try to scare me with words like "Alimony" and "The mother always gets custody". And she will do everything in her power to coerce me to appologize to her and to pay her bills. In short, she will punish me for the things she has done wrong.

What do you do, when the person you have dedicated yourself to before God for your entire life treats you like that?

Posted by ehdonhon at 01:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 19, 2005

Web site news.

Livingwithbipolarism.info has been up and running now for 18 months. Hooray!

We have a brand new user this month! Hopefully Rachel will be introducing herself soon. It will be great to hear about her story and experiences with bipolarism. With luck, maybe she will inspire even more people to join up. It really would be great to see a community of people all sharing their experiences on this site.

Lastly, I have re-enabled comments on postings. That means people that read journal entries will be able to add their own comments on to the end of the journal. I had to turn comments off for a while because the spam was getting really bad. But I think I've found a solution for that now.

Posted by ehdonhon at 11:06 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 18, 2005

Mac and Cheese

I got home from work last night around midnight. My wife was sitting on the couch, and my daughter was sitting on her lap. My daughter was zoned out and staring at the TV. Just as I walked in, I saw a scene on the television where some girl was standing over a man that she had just bludgeoned and she was using some pretty heavy profanity.

I asked my wife to change the channel. And she did change it, but to something else that wasn't all that better. So, I asked her to change it again.

I went upstairs and got changed for bed, checked my mail, etc... Then I came back downstairs. It was about quarter till one in the morning at that point. My wife handed me the remote and went upstairs to bed, leaving my daughter downstairs with me.

My daughter played for a little bit, but I was really interested in getting to sleep, so I started turning off all the lights. My daughter, not wanting to go to bed, suddenly decided that she was hungry and told me she wanted "Mac and cheese". It was so obvious that she wasn't really hungry, and just wanted an excuse to stay up.

I told her that it was too late, and that we were going to bed. So, my daughter ran upstairs and started crying in my wife's room "Mommy, Daddy won't make me mac and cheese". My wife yelled down the stairs from her bedroom "Dan, make her something to eat". I responded back "I don't think she should be eating this late". My wife yelled down again "I said make her something to eat". My response was "No".

So, my wife came stomping down the stairs and went into the kitchen. She said "When she's hungry she should eat! She didn't have hardly anything to eat today". I asked "Didn't you make her any food". She quickly changed her tone "Well, I did, but she didn't eat it." (I wonder if she really did make anything for her).

While preparing some macaroni and cheese in the microwave, I said to my wife, "I don't think it is a good idea to be feeding her this late and right before bed." My wife grumbled something about me denying our daughter food and how this was going to make it easier for her when she fights me for "custody".

When she was done preparing the food, she dumped it in a bowl, put it on the table for our daughter and went back upstairs. My daughter started playing with her toys again. I asked her "Do you want to take a bite of this mac and cheese?” She responded, "No".

So, I started turning out the lights and my daughter got upset again. I wasn't going to be swayed this time. So I took my daughter and her mac and cheese up to my wife's room and then I went to bed.

In the morning the bowl of mac and cheese sat by the bed not with about three spoonfuls taken out of it. Most of it had been wasted, and my daughter obviously wasn't as starving as she was made out to be last night.

I just hate the way my wife wants nothing to do with our daughter. The moment my daughter screams, my wife will do whatever it takes just to shut her up. They both have become so conditioned to this lifestyle that this is how my daughter asks for things now.. She just starts crying, and my wife gives it to her and yells at her to shut up.

This morning when my wife and daughter came downstairs, I was putting my shoes on and getting ready to leave for work. My wife came down, turned on the TV, and laid on the couch. My daughter told her that she wanted chocolate. So she handed a bag of miniature peanut butter cups to her and said "here, have your dad open this". My daughter brought the bag over to me, and I told my daughter "I don't think it is such a good idea for you to be eating chocolate before you have any breakfast". My daughter ran back over to her mom and started crying "Mommy, Daddy won’t open this for me". My wife said to me "I said she could have that, why wont you open it?" I told my wife (who was sitting 5 feet away from me when I said no to my daughter) "I don't think she should be eating so much chocolate". After that, my wife said to my daughter "Just give me the bag, I'll open it". After opening the bag, my wife said to my daughter "make sure you throw the papers away". Then she rolled over on the couch and went to sleep.

She just doesn't see how her actions are affecting the way our daughter develops. She is so wrapped up in hating the world and not wanting to be disturbed that she's letting our daughter grow up un-attended. Meanwhile, her view of what is right and wrong is so warped that she accuses me of being a bad parent every time I try to tell our daughter "no". Then she undermines my authority by always giving our daughter what she wants even after I say no.

I'm so tired of being called a bad parent by a person that is ruining every chance my daughter has for a positive future. I'm tired of being denied the ability to be a good father to my daughter by a selfish person that just doesn't care about anybody by herself. And most of all, I'm just plain angry because I know she's right: I know if it came down to a fight in court, chances are I would loose custody. I feel so trapped, like I'm being punished for making the decision to marry her.

Posted by ehdonhon at 10:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 09, 2005

Another grumpy season.

Today was a very beautiful day. It was the warmest day we've had so far this spring, and the weather was great. It is unfortunate that my wife wasn't in the mood to enjoy it. She spent the day being really grumpy. And unfortunately, that meant a bad day for my daughter as well.

As I said, it was a beautiful day. But my wife spent the day inside cleaning the house. Whenever my wife is grumpy, she likes to clean the house.. it gives her something to complain about.

When I got home from work, my daughter was full of energy. She was wound up and really didn't have anybody to play with since I left for work this morning.

While I was sitting on the couch, my daughter was running around the house. My wife was in the kitchen running the vaccum cleaner. My wife bent over to pick something up, and just at that moment, my daughter ran right into the side of my wife's face.

My wife stood up and started cursing at my daughter. She was yelling and screaming at her. I kept asking my wife to calm down, but it didn't do any good. My wife picked up one of the small area mats that were on the floor and wound up as if she was going to swing it at my daughter. She yelled "God damnit, I have had it with you". I shouted my wife's name really loud, and fortunately she stoped and put the mat back down.

She grabed my daughter by the shirt and dragged her from the kitchen to the living room and put her down and yelled "I told you to stay out of here". Again, I yelled my wife's name. I was trying to get my wife to see how she was acting. My daughter was sitting on the floor crying very hard. She didn't understand what was going on.

My wife walked into the laundry room. As she did, she yelled "You have no fucking common sense.... just like your father". My daughter was crying and upset and didn't understand what was going on. She followed my wife towards the laundry room, but then my wife slammed the laundry room door shut in her face.

After that, I took my daughter upstairs for a while so my wife could cool down.

There are days when things like this happen and I just get so tired of having to make everything better. I get angry because in this house, it has become ok for my wife to take it out on her family when she has one of her frequent bad days. And, I get ashamed of myself because I feel like there's something I should be doing that I'm not.

Posted by ehdonhon at 10:51 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 05, 2005

Credit Cards

The last time my wife left me ( In late 2002 ), she opened up her own credit card account. In the several months she was living away from me, she never actually made a payment on the card, but did spend thousands of dollars on that card.

When she moved back in with me in February of 2003, she agreed to cut up the card and not use it any more. But she would not cancel the account. Just the other day, the credit card company sent her new cards for the account. She got ahold of one of them and went on a shopping spree.

In two years of steady payments, I had nearly knocked off a couple thousand dollars from her balance (but we were not even half way to paying it off). But then, she got this credit card, and in 6 days has managed to put her balance back up higher than it has ever been before!

She just doesn't care. That sums it up so perfectly. She has no idea how the bill is going to be paid, and she has no interest in worrying about it. She's going to spend until somebody makes her stop. Then, she'll find a new way to spend. As far as she is concerned, the only thing these last two years have meant is that she has a couple extra thousand dollars she can spend before hitting her credit limit.

I have no way of getting through to her. And the credit card companies have no interest in listening to me. Especially when my name is not on the account.

I told her that when the next bill comes, I'm not going to pay it. But I think she knows it is an empty threat. I think she knows that I'm the type that would never ignore an obligation. That's probably why she feels so free to do whatever she wants. She thinks I'm always going to be there to clean up after her.

It hurts so much to know that's how she looks at me. She sees me as a useless piece of trash, who's only value is to fix the problems she creates.

She doesn't even give me credit for doing that much. I hear her tell me tell me so many times "You never do anything around here. What have you done that's so great?". If I ever try to answer her, I always hear (sarcastically) "Well aren't you just a saint", or "I just knew you were going to throw that in my face".

Often she will promise to spend time with me, or to do something together if I just buy her something, or do something for her. And like Charlie Brown racing after Lucy's football, I always tell myself this could be the time that things could get better. I tell myself if I just bend a little bit more for her, she'll appreciate my sacrifice. But in the end, she always gains and I always loose. The other day she even said to me "I don't know when you are going to wise up. I'm only only telling you what I think you want to hear so I can get what I want."

But like an idiot, I never wise up. I keep letting this happen to me. It is like there is a part of me that is so afraid to give up on her. Like a part of me (I'd like to think its the Christian part) is so dead set on divorce being wrong that I won't even consider it. I'm living a life that I know is wrong, but at the same time I absolutely don't want to change.

I don't want to quit on my wife. I certainly don't want to quit on my child. But at the same time I feel like a rat in a mazed doomed to search forever for the exit that does not exist.

Posted by ehdonhon at 02:01 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack