November 22, 2006

Leaving it up to God.

My wife has been to one group therapy meeting, and has now decided that she knows exactly what she must do to get better. She told me that she asked God to help her get better and that she's not going to worry about changing me any more. She told me that she will leave that up to God. Then, she spent the next hour telling me exactly how God is going to change me, and that if I didn't change exactly the way that God wants me to change soon, then she would leave me because I am her "baggage".

She has also told me that she never ever wants to have sex with me again because she doesn't love me. She also wants to go out on dates with men from the church that she went to. She tells me that this isn't a sin because "In God's eyes, we aren't really married".

My response: "Well gee, how could I possibly argue with God's personal spokesperson?"

That did not go over well at all.

Posted by ehdonhon at 07:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 16, 2006

No church for me.

Church has always been kind of an odd issue in our house. Before I met my wife, I never went to church. She came from a family where religion played an important role. She was the one that got me going to church.

But then, as soon as we got married and she moved away from home, she didn't want to go to church any more, but I did. My wife would continue to use religion against me, telling me that I wasn't right with God, and that she should have married a pastor. Yet, she wouldn't go to church with me.

After getting married, my wife and I started going to church together, but then slowly she started deciding that she didn't want to get up in the morning (usually because she had been up till 4 am the previous night re-arranging furniture). At some point she decided that if I was going to church by myself, I must be telling people all sorts of bad things about her, and so she wasn't going to go there any more.

My wife is the kind of person that cleans the house before the maid gets there (figuratively speaking, she doesn't really clean the house). What I mean is, as she grew up, she learned that when you go to church, your job is to look like you are more right with God than anybody else in the church. You put on an act. I don't like that. If I'm having problems, then I want God to help me with them. And, if I think talking to a pastor will help me, I'm going to do that.

So, I told the pastor the problems I was going through, and tried to get help. As a result, my wife wouldn't go to that church any more. Furthermore, she started giving me a hard time about continuing to go to church without her. She wanted me to stay home with her. And, so I did.

Eventually that church got a new pastor, and we went back for a while. This time, she went and told the pastor all her problems. For a short while, he was compassionate with her and gave her support. She liked him. But then he found out she was bi-polar. He was still compassionate and supportive, but knowing that he knew was enough to keep my wife from going. Again, my wife made my life hard for me until I stopped going. She would do things like play loud music all night on Saturdays to keep me from getting up on Sunday. She was so convinced that if I went to that church then "Everybody would know about [her]".

I wasn't going to church to talk about her. I was going to church for me. I wasn't even talking about her. But there was no way to convince her of that.

Eventually, I stopped going to that church.

Years later, I tried again. I went to several churches looking for one that I liked. I tried to get my wife to go with me, but she wouldn't. At one point she did go to church with a friend of hers, but she only went once and I wasn't allowed to go with her.

After our most recent separation, we did go to church together for a short while. But that was short-lived after one Sunday when I went by myself. Afther that, she wouldn't go anymore. And again, she worked hard to keep me from going as well.

So now, there's yet another church. I've been trying to encourage her that we should go to it together. She resisted. So, I've just tried being patient. Encouraging but not pushing.

Now, to my surprise, she has informed me that she went in and met with one of the pastors at this church. She's going to start going to church there by herself. I'm not welcome to come with her. Further, she's joined a "recovery" support group at the church.

On one hand, I'm happy that she's getting counseling, and that she's going to church. But on the other hand, the fact that she's working so hard to keep me out makes me suspect that the counseling she is getting might not be the kind she needs.

I'm more than happy to let her get it all out. If she wants to tell a counselor every intimate detail of our marriage, that's fine with me. But, the fact that she's going to be in a group somehow makes it different to me. She's not going to be working one on one with a professional. There is no confidentiality. And, the people she's talking to are going to be biased.

Combine that with the fact that she doesn't want me there, makes me think that what she's really after is a way to paint me as a monster to gain sympathy. She can't do that if they get to meet me. And she can't do that if I'm there to correct her when she strays from the truth. She doesn't want a repeat of time when we got counseling from our second pastor.

So, my wife's going to church, and I'm not. That's the way she wants it. While I'm happy for her, I can't help but feel hurt myself. It doesn't seems like she's going there to get better. It seems more like she's going there to get people allies. I guess its good for her to have her own friends, but this just doesn't seem like a good idea.

Posted by ehdonhon at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 13, 2006

The rise and fall of a good week.

Last week was a good week. It was the kind of week when I would think to myself "I should really post something to my blog right now to let people know that my wife isn't all bad." When good weeks like those come, I don't usually spend my time blogging. Instead, I spend them trying to get every minute of time I possibly can from my wife.

So, from the fact that I am posting now, it is safe to assume the good times are over.

Every once in a while, my wife has a few days in a row when the nice side comes out and when that happens, I just want to cling to her as much as possible. It usually lasts a few days then it goes away for a few months. Every time it happens, I want so hard to believe she's getting better. Then when she goes back to her old way, its like my dreams being taken away from me for the first time all over again.

This time, though... I at least had one good reason for hoping things would stay better. My wife's doctor had recently changed her medications. This had coincidently happened right around the same time when she was feeling better.

She started feeling better around Friday (9 days ago). We had a good week. It was one of those weeks where I didn't even want to go to work. I wanted to spend every minute I could around her. I didn't want to see that she was getting manic. Not even when we went to Lowes and paid $1,000 to replace the cabinet doors that she had previously ripped out and spread across our back lawn. Nor when she started painting the front door again. Nor when she started pestering me about replacing the baseboard around our door. All I cared about is that she was being nice to me again. While all of this was happening, I wasn't even paying attention. I kept wanting to believe it was all because of the medication change.

This past weekend, my wife went up to her parents' house. She was more or less ordered up there by her mother, and so she went trotting up like an obedient puppy dog (also read as: "previously abused child").

She returned tonight, and she was no longer happy. She was mean and nasty. She wanted me to make a special trip into work (about a 40 minute drive) to pick up my paycheck, and she wanted me to take my daughter with me so that she could sleep. I agreed to go get the paycheck, but asked her to come with us and suggested we could get dinner in the city. She went upstairs to "get ready"... 30 minutes later I went upstairs and she was sound asleep in bed. I asked her about getting ready, she told me she would in a few minutes. An hour and a half later, she was still sleeping.

It was about 7:00 in the evening when we finally left the house. My daughter was tired and un-manageable the entire night. Once or twice my wife lost her cool with my daughter and started yelling at her. I asked my wife not to yell, which only led to her yelling at me instead.

By the time we were almost home from the night's ordeal, she was calling me all sorts of names, and resorting to her favorite hurt lines: "I knew I shouldn't have married you", "It will all be over soon", "You won't see your daughter, and I'll get alimony", etc...

So there you have it, the rise and fall of a good week. Every time they happen, I cherish every minute. And every time the go away, I find myself telling my story all over again.

Posted by ehdonhon at 01:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack